Why Sighing Is Bad For Your Marriage

Doing my part to save the planet, I recycle "grey water'. I keep a bucket next to the sink in the kitchen, and when I wash my vegetables, I pour the vegetable water into the bucket. When the bucket is full, I take it outside and water the plants.

Yesterday I was rushing to finish dinner, and the dirt in the swiss chard just would not wash out. The bucket was full of brown water, and I asked Mr Brett to please take it outside.

"What do you want me to do again?" asked Mr Brett.

I looked at him, wondering how hard it was to understand the words "take" and "outside". So I repeated, "Please take the bucket outside."

This morning I came down and the first thing I saw was the bucket of dirty water, outside. Mr Brett had taken the bucket, opened the screen door, put the bucket outside, and closed the door again. And yes, the water was still in the bucket.

And then I felt it coming on. I tried to fight it. I held my breath. But out it came.

"Huuuuh," I sighed.

Now a sigh can be a very powerful thing. It can convey relief, despair, or lovesickness. But when applied to one's husband, it usually means, "Do I really need to give step-by-step instructions for how to take a bucket out/put the dishes away/throw the clothes in the hamper, and what did I do in my previous life that I am now reduced to taking care of a caveman?"

A sigh is a loaded sound. A sigh signals to your husband that you have lost all respect for him, that you've become fed up with him, and that he has in your eyes been reduced to the size of a small snail.  A sigh signals to your husband that you have at that moment become his mother. And if you wonder what effect a sigh can have on a marriage, imagine it repeated every day, every hour, for say, 40 years. The results can be seen walking up and down the aisles of your local supermarket/mall/church: bossy, commandeering women, and their shrinking violets of a husband, eager to stay out of their wives' laser-like vision.

For this reason I find it is best not to sigh in public, in front of my husband, and, if possible, not to sigh at all. My marriage is at stake.

So I patiently explained to Mr Brett that I, in fact, wanted him to pour the water on the plants and return the bucket. Mr Brett said (and all men will agree with him), "You need to be more specific next time." And in my head I recited again all the reasons why I like Mr Brett and why he is a good person.

Then I went and poured the water in the bucket out, cleaned out the inside, and took it in myself.

And lo, our marriage lives to see another day! (The bucket also.)

The Good and the Bad (and the Ugly) of Fighting

In response to Polymath's blog. 

Ever so often people ask Mr Brett and myself whether we fight. "Oh no," we answer, smugly, "we never do." Disbelieving, the other person will ask, "Really? Like...never?" To which we respond, "No, we don't fight. I guess we're just not argumentative people."

After a year and a half of fielding questions in such a way, I have come to the conclusion that a) we are lying, but not intentionally, and b) such answers are not helpful.

Firstly, we really don't fight. When I hear the word "fight" I think "shouting". We don't shout. This is because we are not argumentative people. But we do "fight" if by that you mean that we disagree, and sometimes we get upset, or get on each others' nerves, and have to work it out later. So really I ought to answer, "Yes, we fight, but we don't shout."

Secondly, I've also realized that saying that we don't fight is not helpful, because it leads others (sometimes unmarried friends) to think that people never fight in a marriage, or worse, that they never should fight. This is absolutely not true.

So here is the good and bad of fighting.

* --- *

In an ideal marriage, there would no fighting. This is because conflict within marriage is caused by selfishness, and in an ideal marriage there would be no selfishness. Most people think this should be a GOOD thing.

Unfortunately the only place where we can have an ideal marriage is in Heaven, where, ironically, there is no marriage.

So while on earth, all of us are sinful and selfish, so we will fight. Most people think this is a BAD thing.

But imagine what happens when we fight. One of us, or both of us, will not get our way. Considering that both of us are selfish, it is actually good practice not to get our own way. It is a way that God uses to teach us to be selfless. This is a GOOD thing.

And imagine further a selfish marriage within which there is no fighting. This means that one of the parties is getting his or her way all the time, and the other one is giving in to everything. This means that the selfish person will never get redeemed from his/her selfishness. This is a BAD thing.

Or else, this could mean that both parties are getting their own way all the time, by not interacting with each other. Spouses that never cross paths rarely fight. Not only do they not get purified, they also don't really have a marriage. This is a BAD thing.

So ideally, we have a marriage within which there is a certain amount of fighting. When two selfish people get together, they impose their wills upon the other, there is a collision, and they realize that in order to co-exist, they must learn to be selfless. If they can learn this lesson, there will be more harmony, leading to a happy marriage. This is a GOOD thing.

But imagine, if you will, a marriage of two selfish souls who fight all the time, and neither of them will give way to become selfless. As a result, the marriage will be marked with unrelenting bitter conflict from the start, with no signs of ending without divorce. This is generally considered to be a BAD, UGLY thing.

But then...but then...imagine the depths of despair this desperately unhappy marriage will bring the two parties. And then, perhaps, in their bitterness, disappointment, hollowness, and brokenness, one or both of them will be driven to their knees, crying, "Lord, I can't do this myself. Help me!" Then he might accept the overwhelming grace and love of the Lord Jesus Christ, and with His Spirit (and by no other means is this possible), start to turn the wheels back on his selfish behaviour. This is considered a VERY GOOD thing.

So there you have it. The good, bad, and the ugly.

My new favorite quote:
We are more sinful than we ever imagined, and more loved than we ever dared hope.
Tim Keller, Redeemer Presbyterian Church

Why Jesus would have made a bad Chinese son-in-law

1) He was poor
2) He wasn't good looking
3) He wasn't a doctor/lawyer/engineer

4) He didn't spend time with family
5) He hung out with the wrong company

6) He did things that made people "lose face"

7) He got in trouble with the law

8) He disregarded rules

9) He didn't seem to respect parents
10) He died young, leaving no offspring
Now ponder this...

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus... Philippians 2:5

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. 2 Corinthians 3:18